I have been going through a lot these past 10-11 years. Trying to understand the feelings and cravings that I have. Fighting to identify myself with me. Trying to fit in, be accepted, and the the other half of the time not giving a crap. This back and forth has made my mind nauseous. For the last 8 years I have been involved with women on and off. Never being 100% ok with it. Also having this unbelievable guilt about it. It’s caused depression, and just a lot of bad feelings. I was raised in the church. I am saved, and I believe 100% what the Bible has to say. Since the 5th grade I have been attracted lto women. I had a crush on my teacher. I had thoughts of kissing her and wanting to love her. Now I didn’t have the best childhood. Lol. Got made fun of, even the teachers had something to say. I don’t know if that pushed me towards the comfort of women. I was also a tom boy and i had my butch/stud moments. Maybe that has something to do with it i don’t know. I did like boys too as a child. I also remember playing boyfriend/girlfriend with this girl in 2nd grade. Ha! I lost my virginity to a male was even In love wIth a male. High school I found myself again attracted to other females. I prayed about it. I asked God to take away those feelings. I found myself with all types of friends black, white, purple, straight, gay, and bi etc. I was alright until my senior year. I became overtaken by this girl and well she became my first female. We were hooked up through a mutual bi friend. Since then I have been back and forth. It’s still been over 10 years since I have been sexually involved with a man. During these times I have tried to not be involved with women, but everytime I ended meeting someone. Sometimes it seems out of nowhere. (Maybe it’s the devil) It gets harder and harder to say no. I would tell these females that tomorrow I might wake up and not want this lifestyle anymore. Either be with me while you can, but you’ve been forewarned. Women have excited me from every aspect. I have even been in love with a female, and loved another. I have had a relationship with a female and provided for her. FOR ME. ..it just never feels 100% okay or guilt free. It’s not because of society or because of my family not approving (which they don’t). It just goes against my beliefs. I’m speaking for ME and ME only. (I don’t care what other people do. If that’s your life. Live it and be happy!) I have never been able to see me raising a family with another woman or being happily married to a woman. I always see it with a man. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get a chance to have my Dad around as a kid and a have a complete family. I would like to meet a great man to be with, marry, have kids etc. On the flip side I’m not comfortable with men. I find them attractive. I have even tried to date a few. I think because being with a man is so foreign to me, it’s scary. I’ve never had an adult relationship with a man. I can be a very dominant person. Im used to being the provider in a relationship. I think that I might bump heads with another man. Lol. Hey! Some man like dominant women. At the end of the day I want to be with a man. Marry a man. Be treated, cared, and loved for how I have others. It’s just scary. I don’t want to be involved with females, but there are times when I yearn for a woman’s touch. To taste a woman, in that oh so sweet, warm, and wet place. It’s like trying to overcome something you hate to love. I know what I want for ME. That’s what I will continue to work towards.
lesethepoet 